Closer To The Edge
by MakeAScene487
Summary: Temptation. That's what the blade was to Ellie. But what happens when Marco finds out? And is Ellie truly over Marco? And what happens to Ellie in a dark alley? Contains some Marco/Ellie, friendship and romance, and everything in between.
1. Ruining Everything

**A/N: Okay, so with this sweep of new characters, there aren't really any new fics about our old, original Degrassi crew. I always identified with Ellie, as a young teenager, when she was on the show, so I wrote this. (: It starts right after Whisper To A Scream. I also feel like adding, being one myself, that some things in this story may be a trigger for recovered/current "cutters", or SI-ers in general. Read with caution, please. (: **

Ellie sat at the brown oak desk in her room, staring down the pocket knife sitting on the edge of it. It had been two weeks since Paige Mickelchuck, the last person in the world, had caught her in the middle of her dirty little secret. Since then, she'd been seeing Mrs. Sauvé twice a week. She hadn't really made much progress, because she just … couldn't talk. Not yet. But the counselor had clued her in to a trick that a lot of people- she refused to call them anything other than that- used. So now she wore an array of rubber bands around her wrist, snapping them whenever she started to space out, or whenever she normally would've turned to the razor blade.

But it wasn't the same.

Her mother was downstairs drinking herself out of her misery. They'd just found out that her father wouldn't be home for the holidays. And Ellie needed relief. She was snapping the rubber bands furiously- but it wasn't enough. Not today. Sighing at herself for being weak enough to need it, she grabbed the pocket knife and pulled up the sleeve of her black shirt. Wincing a little, she pressed the blade into her skin. Deeper, deeper… until she saw small dots of blood appear. Then, the dots got bigger, and bigger, until they all blurred into a line of red.

Ellie grabbed a tissue off of her desk and wiped the blood, simultaneously squeezing her arm in an effort to get more blood. Once she started this process, it was like she was possessed, and in a way, she was. The blood, the pain, it calmed her, it tranquilized her, it hypnotized her. It took care of her when no one else in the real world gave a damn. It was her sweet escape.

Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she knew it was wrong. Knew that she shouldn't be doing this to herself. But she figured, if cutting herself, if it kept her alive, was it really so bad? She wasn't killing herself. Sure, the thought had crossed her mind, but then, when it did, she just cut herself, unable to press deep enough to end her life, and it was enough. It was enough to keep her living, to keep her sane, throughout the day.

Two weeks later, Ellie had cut many, many times since she'd relapsed. If that's what you want to call it. But she felt better… more alive, at least, than she had when she'd stopped cutting. So it couldn't be so bad, could it?

Could it?

Ellie sighed, and opened her closet, ignoring the sounds of her mother throwing up, despite the fact that it was 7:00 in the morning. Her mom hadn't been sober for months. When she started to sober up, just a little, it was time for more.

The young redhead picked her clothing out carefully, making sure that nothing she wore would in any way compromise the dirty little secret she hid under layers of clothing. Paige and Sauve were the only ones who knew- and she wanted to keep it that way. Paige continuously tried to hang out, start conversations, ask if the other girl was alright. Code for, have you cut again? The answer was yes, but it was so much easier to say "I'm doing great."

Lying was so much easier.

Marco… he was completely oblivious. To him, Ellie was just the cute punk girl that had helped him find himself, and now, she was his best friend. She felt terrible for not telling him her secret- but it was better that way. Marco had the tendency to over-obsess over everyone's wellbeing. He'd be shattered if he knew Ellie wasn't as perfect as she made seem.

Ashley, her "other" best friend, was too busy draping herself all over Craig. They were hopelessly obsessed with each other. It made Ellie sick, and a little mad. She vowed that if she ever dated again- which didn't seem likely in high school, at least- that she would never, ever ditch her friends that way. No way. Friends were forever.

Ellie snapped herself out of the spacey look she'd gotten and finished getting dressed, grabbing her black backpack off of the ground and running out the door, shielding her eyes from the terrible sight of her own living room. Bottles. Smoke. That ugly, green, stained couch. She couldn't bear to look at it. So she didn't. She ran.

She ran and ran, until she got to Marco's front door. Right on cue, he opened it and smiled at her. Ellie loved it when he smiled. It made her feel… like she mattered. Plus, he had amazing dimples when he smiled. Not that Ellie obsessed over it- she was totally over Marco.

He was gay.

Who someone is doesn't stop how they make you feel.

She had this internal argument with herself all the time. It frustrated her. Him discovering his sexual identity didn't mean her feelings for him automatically went away. They were still there. But that was something else that she would never, ever admit. It made her sick to look at him and Dylan. Not because they were gay. She was all for that. But… because it should've been her. Them. Together. In love- cheesy, stupid, high school love. But it wasn't.

"El? Ellie?" Marco snapped her out of her daydream, and she realized they were well on their way to school. She kicked a piece of ice on the sidewalk.

"Yeah?"

"I was saying, you've been… weird, the past couple weeks. Like… I don't know. Not my El." She blushed a little, thankful that it was cold enough that the redness in her cheeks could be explained, if not condoned. What he didn't know, is that the past couple weeks were the past couple weeks she'd once again started cutting.

"I'm fine, Marco. Just distracted. School, the co-op, worrying about my dad overseas…" Meetings with Sauve, her feelings for Marco, dealing with her drunken mother, not having any friends besides him… Ellie added mentally to her list. But she couldn't ever admit all of that to Marco.

It would ruin everything.

**A/N: What do you think? I don't really have anywhere concrete that this story is going, I'm kind of letting it write itself, so I'm open to suggestions in form of reviews. Is the Ellie-liking-Marco thing too weird? I feel that's something that was never fully explained in the show- sure, after he "discovered" he was gay he and Ellie fake-dated for a while and then "broke up", but her feelings for him are never fully explained. I, for one, don't believe the attraction could've immediately gone away. Not how things work. Anyway, reviews make my world go around! Thanks. (: **


	2. You'll Be All Right

School. Another day. And that faded into another, and another. Things had fallen into a routine for Eleanor Nash. Wake up. Get dressed. School. Co-op. Home. Clean up after drunk mom. Dinner. Homework. Computer. Bed. It wasn't a routine Ellie was fond of- except for Co-op- but it was how she lived. If things got too hard for her to deal with, she simply pulled out her razor. Or scissors. Or a compass. Or whatever she could find.

The consequences? She was defensive, she was snippy, she was spacey, she was secretive. The first time she tried skipping her meeting with Sauvé, the school counselor came to get her from class. That took a lot of explaining and reassuring that everything was fine, yes, everything was fine, YES, she was sure, before he let it go. Ellie knew it was only a matter of time before her entire world shattered. It was a very precarious balance.

But she was making due.

A week or so later, she and Marco were sitting in English, passing notes as the teacher babbled on about prepositions or something else the teenagers didn't care about. It was the last day before winter break began, and no one cared about school.

_El, wanna hang at your place after school? -M_

Ellie sighed. He was always trying to get her to invite him over. Partially because he wanted to see where she lived, and, she suspected, partially because his parents bugged the two to date again every time they were over.

Not today.

_Make it your place? - E _

_We're ALWAYS at my house, El. Come on. –M _

_Marco, no. Not today, okay? –E_

_Fine. –M _

Ellie bit her lip. Sauvé had asked Ellie to stop in for a quick thirty minute section after school today, to talk about managing things over winter break.

_Hey… just remembered I need to talk to Sauve about something… for the co-op. meet you there? –E _

Before Marco was able to reply, however, the teacher walked to the pair and stood in the middle of them.

"Del Rossi, Nash, care to share your conversation with the entire class?"

"Not… particularly?" Marco squeaked. Ellie rolled her eyes. If there was anything that boy hated, it was getting in trouble.

"Then I suggest you pay attention."

Ellie looked both ways at the nearly deserted halls before entering the counseler's office.

"Hello Ellie, how are you?"

"As good as I can be, I suppose. Winter break sucks."

"Care to tell why?"

"Well, my mom thinks of Christmas, New Years, as more excuses to…" she realized that she hadn't told Sauve anything. Ever.

"Well my mom's an alcoholic and she only drinks when my dad's gone, he's a soilder, he's on a peacekeeping mission in Kabul right now and we found out he's going to be there over the holidays, and so mom is going insane about it, or she was, now she's like super jaded about it and like so she drinks a LOT over the holidays and I always have to clean up after her and then like if I try to go out with my friends when she's drunk and come back when she's a little less drunk, she hits me and … that's all I can say today." Ellie grabbed her black bag and ran out of the room, leaving a shocked Sauve in her wake.

She ran into the next closest room, the Media Immersions lab, completely deserted for the holidays. Tears streamed down her face, leaving black eyeliner and mascara streaked down her red cheeks. Without a second thought, she pulled up the sleeve of her grey shirt, pulled down her arm warmers, took out her scissors, and pressed.

And then things were okay.

Meanwhile, Marco stood on the steps of Degrassi, shivering and looking for his best friend. Maybe she'd just gone right to his house. He decided to walk through Degrassi so he wouldn't leave her there, and then just go home, and text her on his way. He walked down a few hallways before he heard what sounded like a girl crying. Ellie. Reguardless or not, Marco was too much of a nice guy to leave a crying girl alone. He walked until he came upon the Media Immersions room, where he saw the unmistakable red head hunched over something. He rapped on the glass of the window.

"El?"

Crap.

She'd done it again. First, in the bathroom with Paige. She could've just gone in a stall, but she'd stayed in the main part of the restroom. And now, with Marco. She could've locked herself anywhere else, with less windows. She could've been quieter.

The door started to open. She pulled her sleeve down, threw the scissors across the floor and shoved the arm warmer in her backpack before trying in vain to fix her makeup. Marco came in and walked over to her.

"El… what's the matter?" He set his backpack down and climbed up on the desk, putting an arm around Ellie.

"N-n-nothing…" Damn. There was a small line of red showing through her light gray shirt, where she'd made the most recent cut. She flipped her arm over in a way that she thought was nonchalant. And to anyone else, it might've been. But Marco knew her much too well. He could read the guilty look on her face.

"El, what are you hiding?" He took her hand and turned her arm over. He stared at the red line for a minute.

"El, you're bleeding." He started to push her sleeve up, still not suspecting that her wound was self-inflicted.

"No, no, I just hit my arm, I'm fine…" He most definitely didn't believe her. He slowly pushed her sleeve up, revealing cut after cut after cut. His eyes widened as he looked into the eyes of his best friend. The girl who had gotten him through one of the hardest times of his life. His rock. And she was breaking.

Broken.

"Ellie… oh my God." Tears started rolling down his cheeks. He couldn't help it. It didn't freak him out- it scared him because he loved her so much. And he truly did love her, platonically. He slowly ran his fingers over each of her cuts. She winced as he touched the most recent one. He wasn't even looking at the bad arm- it was her right arm he was examining. If he looked at the left… she just hoped he didn't.

As if he'd read her mind, he pushed that sleeve up as well, and an inaudible gasp left his lips. There was hardly a part of skin that wasn't either cut or scarred. He put a hand on her face, both of them crying.

"Ellie… why?" Ellie sniffed and tried to answer comprehensibly.

"I… home… my mom… too much…" He just hugged her as tightly as he could, stroking her hair.

"Shh. It's okay, love. Come on. My parents actually aren't going to be home for a while. I'm taking you home. To my home." He corrected, thinking to himself that her actual home was probably the last place she wanted to be.

45 minutes later, Marco had Ellie wrapped up in a blanket sitting on his bed, both of them sipping hot chocolate. She'd told him, between sips and sobs, the entire story. All that she could. Minus her confused feelings for him. She still didn't know about that. But she told him about her mom, her drinking, her abuse, her father, how she was failing some of her classes, how stressed the sessions with Mrs. Sauve made her… everything. Now, they were just sitting on his bed, her head on his shoulder.

His parents had texted him saying they'd be away for two weeks. He was used to it. His father got called away on business often since he got his new job, and his mother couldn't bear to leave him. Apparantly they could both bear to leave Marco, however. He actually didn't mind this time, because he could take care of Ellie without them breathing down his neck. They were gone most weekends. And in two weeks, school would almost be starting again. He'd barely miss them. He looked at Ellie on his shoulder. She was sleeping. He smiled at her and kissed her on her forehead. She looked peaceful in her sleep.

All of the sudden, Marco remembered something he'd seen on the Simpsons. Keeping one arm around his emotionally unstable friend, he pulled his laptop out from under his bed and typed "emancipation" into Google. After an hour or so of research, he was fairly sure he'd figured it out. She needed to prove she could live on her own, and make rent, and prove that her home life was not stable. The latter she'd be able to do, no problem. The rent thing could be a problem. But he'd present that problem to her later. Before she'd fallen asleep, she'd told him that she'd stay with him these two weeks. But she stubbornly refused to go back to her house.

It was too much.

Marco sighed. She'd want to change tomorrow morning. He looked at his phone. It was 9:00 and dark outside. His parents would kill him if they found out, but frankly, Ellie mattered more right now. He gently laid Ellie down on his bed, ran out, grabbed his keys, and drove to Ellie's house. He knew exactly where it was, because he'd picked her up several times- she'd just never let him come in. He bit his lip, not knowing if her mom was home or how she'd react to him in her house. He was placing all his money on her being too drunk to call the cops or anything. He was doing this for Ellie.

For Ellie. For Ellie.

And with that mantra running itself through his head, he went to the front door. In a scrawl that was barely legible and obviously written hurridly and drunkenly, a note was posted on the door.

_Eleanor. _

_I'm spending the winter holidays with Judy and her family, they invited me and I can't be alone in this house. You understand. Have a good Christmas. No parties, no boys. Ashley can come over if she wants._

_-Mom_

Marco smiled. Good. He tried the front door- it was unlocked. He was disgusted immediately, and didn't blame Ellie for not inviting him over. It also explained the abundance of body sprays she wore- he wouldn't want to smell like this place either. He went up the crooked staircase and started peeking in each room.

He knew he'd found the right one when he walked in and not only did it smell like incense instead of cigarette smoke, but it was painted a deep red, with black sheets on the bed. He opened the closet and grabbed a black suitcase from the depths of it. Then he started throwing drawers open. He grabbed an armful of band shirts, some of them short sleeved- Marco didn't pay attention to it. He just grabbed armfuls of things from everywhere. An armful of jeans. An armful of things from her underwear drawer- he tried not to dwell on that too much. He threw some CDs from the CD stand, some of the hair and makeup stuff from her vanity table. He found a small wooden box and opened it, to see if there was anything she needed. He sighed. It was filled to the brim with scissors, razor blades, needles, pins, tissues with bloodspots on them, and a small bottle of antiseptic. Next to it was a roll of white bandages.

Ellie, what have you done to yourself? He shut the box and shoved it back under the bed, continuing to mindlessly throw things in the box. He smiled to himself when he saw the sole picture other than the one of her father occupying the corner of her mirror- one taken last year of the two of them. She looked… happy. He wished he could get that girl back. He spotted a laptop case in the corner, and sure enough ,Ellie's band-sticker-covered laptop was in it. He grabbed that as well, zipped up the suitcase, and was on his way back to the Del Rossi home in the stealth of the night.

By the time he got back to the house, it was 11:30. It was all he could do to drag her stuff into his room, throw pajamas on, and go out on the couch. He laid there for a moment before re-entering his room and looking at Ellie, makeup streaks still on her face. He laughed silently and got a wet tissue from the bathroom and wiped her face, knowing that she slept like a rock. After throwing it away and slipping the combat boot type things off of her feet, he climbed onto the bed with her, kissing her softly on the forehead.

"You'll be alright, El." And with that, he fell asleep.


	3. And She Stayed

Ellie laid in bed that morning, eyes shut. Something was different. It smelled different. It smelled like… guy. It smelled like- oh, yeah. Marco. She'd stayed at Marco's. She was either going to be in huge trouble, or her mom wouldn't even care, because she was so drunk. She wasn't sure which she preferred. She opened her eyes and groaned. She'd fallen asleep in the clothes she'd worn to school and they weren't in the slightest comfortable.

She rolled out of Marco's bed and looked around the room, glancing in a puzzled manner at her suitcase and laptop case sitting at the foot of the bed. She shrugged, figuring Marco had probably gone and gotten her stuff, and started sifting through the stuff. She found a pair of gray yoga pants that she usually slept in, and went to grab a t-shirt. They were all short sleeved, but she couldn't bring herself to put on any uncomfortable tops. She went for her arm warmers next, but she could only find one.

Ellie sighed. What was the point? Marco knew. They were probably going to talk about it this morning, anyway. She threw on a My Chemical Romance shirt and the pants, settled on a thin line of eyeliner and lip gloss, sprayed pomegranate body spray on her neck and wrists, wincing as it hit an open cut, and brushed out her red hair, letting it hang down, a first for her.

She then quietly opened the door. Marco, as she recalled from the school lock in, was an extremely light sleeper. When she opened the door, however, she was greeted with the scent of something breakfast-y, she couldn't put her finger on. She trodded down the stairs and was greeted by Marco making French toast. She grinned. Ellie couldn't remember the last time she'd had a legitimate, good breakfast. It was kind of … exciting.

"Morning, Marco." He spun around and smiled at her, barely even glancing at her arms. He went over and hugged her.

"How're you this morning?" she smiled morosely at him.

"As good as I'm gonna be, I suppose. Hey, did you go and get my stuff last night?" He smiled at her.

"Yep."

"My mom?" Marco pulled the note that had been taped to the front door out of the pocket of his skin-tight jeans. Ellie read it and squealed, hugging Marco.

"Marco, this is PERFECT. I swear to God this is just what I needed- a vacation from life. I love you." Ellie bit her lip. If only he knew how true those three little words were. Marco's eyes shone. He hadn't seen his best friend that genuinely happy in a very, very long time. It pleased him.

"Sit down. Eat. We didn't eat anything for dinner last night, anyway." Ellie sat at the table as Marco placed breakfast in front of her, before sitting down and joining her himself. Ellie stuffed it in her mouth as Marco watched with something between amusement and awe. Ellie looked at him, blushed a light raspberry color, and then shrugged.

"Mom never makes breakfast, okay?" Or lunch. Or dinner. Marco laughed.

"Well Miss Nash, gorge away. These two weeks are going to be… perfect. "

"Perfect." Ellie echoed.

After they finished breakfast, they decided to watch a movie- 500 Days Of Summer was on TV, so they watched that. Ellie laughed when Marco hummed along with Regina Spektor. What Marco didn't notice was how Ellie was staring at him as they watched the movie. Or, as he watched. She loved so much about him, but she couldn't even tell, in her mixed up, mashed up feelings, if it was romantic, platonic, or something in between. Confusion ran rampant through her mind.

As the closing credits ran through, Marco's phone went off. Ellie moved her legs off of his and went to make more popcorn- vegging was what winter break was for.

"Oh Elllllllie?"

"Yes, Marco? That sounds like an, Oh, Ellie, I have a favor to ask. The answer is no."

"But El, Paige and Dylan are having a party tonight… can we…" Ellie could see the internal dilemma in Marco's eyes. He wanted more than anything to go to a party his boyfriend was helping to host. His BOYFRIEND, Ellie reminded herself sternly. But he didn't want to leave her alone after her breakdown last night.

"Fiiiine. We can go. For a bit."

"YES." Marco tackled Ellie and they rolled around on the living room floor, laughing for twenty minutes, until Marco had Ellie pinned under him, their noses almost touching. They both breathed heavily, staring at each other for a few seconds until Marco hopped up.

"Well. Uhm. Shopping?"

Ellie nodded briskly, hoping her face wasn't as red as it felt.

"Shopping." She ran upstairs and grabbed her AFI sweatshirt, and the two of them hopped into Marco's beat up old car. In the car, Marco switched on a Paramore CD and Ellie laughed.

"Paramore? Really?" Marco laughed.

"Not punk enough for you, Miss Nash?" Ellie rolled her eyes. In reality, she identified all too well with the song playing. She sang along with it.

_I'm sitting in a room,  
Made up of only big white walls and in the halls  
There are people looking through  
The window in the door, and they know exactly what we're here for._

Don't look up  
Just let them think  
There's no place else  
You'd rather be.

You're always on display  
For everyone to watch and learn from,  
Don't you know by now,  
You can't turn back  
Because this road is all you'll ever have.

And it's obvious that your dying, dying.  
Just living proof that the camera's lying.  
And oh oh open wide, 'cause this is your night.  
So smile, 'cause you'll go out in style.  
You'll go out in style.

If you let me I could,  
I'd show you how to build your fences,  
Set restrictions, seprate from the world.  
The constant battle that you hate to fight,  
Just blame the limelight.

Don't look up  
Just let them think  
There's no place else  
You'd rather be.

And now you can't turn back  
Because this road is all you'll ever have.

And it's obvious that you're dying, dying.  
Just living proof that the camera's lying.  
And oh oh open wide, 'cause this is your night.  
So smile.

Yeah, yeah you're asking for it  
With every breath that you breathe in  
Just breathe it in.  
Yeah, yeah well you're just a mess  
You do all this big talking  
So now let's see you walk it.  
I said let's see you walk it.

Yeah, yeah well you're just a mess  
You do all this big talking  
So now let's see you walk it.  
I said let's see you walk it.

And it's obvious that you're dying, dying.  
Just living proof that the camera's lying.  
And oh oh open wide, yeah oh oh open wide.  
Yeah, oh oh open wide,  
'Cause you'll go out in style.  
You'll go out in style.

Marco and Ellie stopped, not at the mall that was far away from their small little town, but on a row of vintage shops that were close to it. Ellie loved shopping with Marco, she truly did. They shopped for 5 hours, pausing for a brief lunch in the middle. They were a kick-ass shopping team, and no one could tell them differently. By the time they were done, they had to speed home to get ready for the party.

And I do mean speed.

"MARCO! What the hell? Dylan will still be there if we're 20 minutes late, however I DON'T think he'd appreciate us showing up in a zillion pieces! Seriously, you're going to crash, slow down…" Ellie kept up a constant stream of feeble protests as she tried to slow Marco down. They, by some miracle, made it back to the house in record time, and still in tact. They loaded their spoils of the day out of the back of the car and ran up to Marco's room to get ready.

Ellie started rooting through her suitcase quickly. She couldn't help herself. She was excited for the party- she never got invited to anything. She was throwing things left and right, letting her things drape over Marco's entire room. How the hell did he fit so much stuff into this suitcase?

She grabbed a pair of dark wash, skin-tight jeans, her pair of ripped up converse, and a Breaking Benjamin shirt that had small, modest sequins on parts of it. She pulled her shirt off before she realized what she was doing. Marco was just staring at Ellie, the flurry of excitement, himself already being ready. But when she pulled her shirt off, he gasped.

She had long, angry, red scars all over both of her sides and stomach.

"Ellie…"

Ellie blushed a crimson red, and pulled the shirt over her head.

"Uh.. we should… hurry." Ellie touched up her makeup and ran out the door, into Marco's car. She couldn't talk about it. Not now. She grabbed her iPod, thankful that it was charged, and blasted the loudest songs she could find, effectively avoiding any possible conversation.

The party was actually quite small, for Spinner and Paige. Not that Marco would know- he and Dylan had gone up to Dylan's room for a good part of it, after being assured by Ellie that she'd be fine, that she'd find Ashley and talk to her or something. Of course, Ashley and Craig were making out in a corner. As were Paige and Spinner. Ellie ended up spending a good portion of the night sitting and listening to her iPod, drinking the beers that seemed to be floating around. She knew it was a bad idea, with her mom's problem, but she couldn't help it. Damn it, she WAS allowed to be a teenager.

After a number of people left and there were only 25 or so people left, Spinner got a devilish grin on his face.

"GUYS. Time for… truth or dare." The small crowd of drunken teenagers, Marco and Dylan among them now, cheered. They all shoved the disgruntled furniture out of the way and sat down. Ellie scooted her way through all of the people and sat down by Marco. He looked at her, worry, sympathy, love and concern all wrapped into one. She looked back, signaling with her eyes, saying she was fine. For now.

They went around the circle for a while, Ellie mostly watching, since no one knew her well enough really to ask her questions or dare her to do anything. Then, it was Paige's turn. The drama queen seemed drunker than normal when her vindictive gaze caught Ellie's.

"Eleanor Nash. I dare you-" hiccup "To take Marco and go make out with him in that corner for five minutes. So we can see. " Ellie looked at Marco, who had taken a few Jell-o shots on his dares and was not feeling any pain. He laughed and grabbed Ellie, pecking an even-more-drunk Dylan on the lips as they went to the corner.

"Marco, we don't have to-" Ellie began, but then, his lips were crushing hers.

It was as if the world had exploded. Time stopped. All of the normal clichés applied. His lips tasted sweet, probably from the strawberry jello in his last shot, and she could taste whatever they'd used to spike the drinks on his lips. She wrapped her arms around him, gripping his dark brown hair in her hands as two years' worth of built up sexual feelings let themselves out.

Marco was confused. In so many ways. He wasn't THAT drunk- he knew what he was doing. He knew he was gay… yet here he was… making out with … Ellie? Yet it felt… right. She tasted right. She smelled right. The game continued on behind them, the two being forgotten. After much longer than five minutes, Marco whispered in her ear, in a breathless voice,

"drive us home, El?" Ellie had only had a total of one beer the entire night, so she nodded. She was intoxicated by Marco. Kissing Marco. She didn't want it to end. But.. he did. She remembered. Marco. Gay. They dated… she helped him discover that he was gay.

They were all wrong.

Ellie drove Marco's car back to his house, and helped him inside. They made their way to his room, and she shut the door, sighing. The cold night air, matched with the water he'd had on the way back, had sobered Marco up quite a bit. But just for tonight… he felt like pretending that it hadn't. He walked up behind Ellie, who simply had her hands on a desk and her head down. She was thinking about what that'd meant. He tapped her on the shoulder.

"El?" She spun around quickly and then, they were kissing again. With more passion, more frustration, more… everything. They both knew it was wrong, but … it felt right. _They_ felt right for each other.

Soon, they were on the bed. Again, mistake. He slipped his hands up her shirt, feeling the indentations of each of her scars, Ellie wincing as he touched them. He pulled the hem of her shirt up, slowly slipping it over her head. She did the same to his. He kissed down her neck, each one of her scars on her stomach and arms, and back up her other arm. Nibbling on her earlobe, kissing her jaw, and finally finding his way back to her lips, he inebriated her.

He started feeling for the clasp of her bra and she put a hand on his chest.

"Marco…"

He moaned and Ellie sighed. He wasn't making this easy.

"Marco, stop… we… we need to stop. I'm going to sleep on the couch." She started to get up but he pulled her back to him.

"Stay."

And that was all it took…. And she stayed.

**A/N: Whoo! Did you see that coming? Haha. I'm bracing myself for all the hate. But I thought it had to happen. (and it does, years later, in the show, without alcohol being involved!) Anyway. Yeah, I'm posting two fairly long chapters in one night, I love you guys that much. And I have too much muse, clearly. (: Thanks for the support! **


	4. I Trust You

Ellie's eyelashes fluttered open, wincing against the bright sunlight streaming through the window. She felt… bare. She looked down at herself, clad in her skinny jeans and bra. Oh. That would be why. She looked over at Marco, his arm wrapped around her. At that exact moment, his eyes opened as well. He smiled at her and kissed her forehead.

"Morning, gorgeous." He rolled out of the bed.

"You get ready, do whatever Ellies do in the morning. I'll go make breakfast." And with that, he exited the room.

As Marco walked down the stairs, he put a hand to his head. Yeah, there was a slight hangover there. But he remembered with vivid detail what had happened last night. He and Ellie… and they only stopped because she stopped him. But he'd felt that she hadn't wanted to. Did she still… did she still like him?

Did he like _her?_

But he was gay. He liked Dylan. He hadn't been into kissing Ellie two years ago. Why now? What did it mean? He definitely loved Ellie. But did he love her like that? He knew they were dependant on each other, but he never thought they'd be dependant on each other for sexual relationships. And was it that? He didn't know. He got that from Dylan… but … something had been different about kissing Ellie. Something… comforting. Something sweet. Something right.

He sighed. He didn't know. Before breakfast, he logged onto his FaceRange page and laughed. Someone had already managed to get pictures of the party up. Him and Dylan. There was hardly one picture of one without the other. Dylan. His _boyfriend._ Who he loved. Pictures of them dancing. Them kissing. Him leading Marco up the stairs to his room.

Marco was shocked out of his revelry when his phone went off. He glanced at the caller ID and rolled his eyes before answering.

"Hi, Ma."

"How's my boy?"

"Good, Ma."

"I have good news, Marco! The deal closed itself more quickly than we expected, so we're on our way home right now. We'll be there in three hours or so. "

"Oh… that's… that's brilliant, Ma. I'll see you in a bit." And with that, he hung up. Why? They were always gone and he always wanted them back, and the one time he wanted them to stay away, they had to come back? Ugh. He went to start straightening up the house, leaving a picture of him and Dylan liplocked passionately up on the computer.

Three hours later, the house was cleaned, Ellie was packed, and Marco was driving her home. They'd still barely spoken, except for stiff casualties, since the night before. Ellie turned to Marco.

"Look, Marco, about last night… I mean, I know you were drunk and we can just… forget it, okay?" Marco sighed.

"El… I don't know that I want to. I don't know what the hell I'm feeling. Just give me some time to sort it out, okay? This is all super confusing for me." He pulled up her abandoned driveway and kissed her forehead.

"I love you, El. I'll come over later tonight, okay? We'll clean that house up." He also wanted to present his information about emancipation to her. He thought that would cheer her up a bit.

"Okay, Marco. I… I love you, too." She climbed out of the car, got her stuff from the back, and wheeled it inside. She looked back, giving Marco a sad smile. He sighed. He had no clue about anything anymore.

As he pulled in the garage and hung up his keys, he prayed that his parents would leave him alone, so he could go up to his room and just… think about everything.

No such luck.

As soon as he walked in, he saw his mom. She had a concerned, pitying look. His eyes questioned her emotions, and she pointed to the living room that his father was in.

"MARCO DEL ROSSI." Marco walked in to the living room and saw his father, looking… at the picture of him and Dylan up on the computer.

Damn.

"Explain the meaning of this to me, boy!" Marco could already see the vein pulsing in his father's neck.

"Well, see, Pa, uh, me and Dylan…"

"My boy's not GAY, is he?"

"So what if he was?" Marco looked at his father, hurt in his eyes.

"If he was… I'd have to kick him out."

"No!" His silent mother burst out. Marco looked at the two of them, anger and pain clouding everything else.

" Then I guess I don't live here anymore." Marco ran up to his room to pack things for the second time that week. He had a much larger suitcase, and was able to fit most everything that he normally wore in it. He packed up his laptop, his bass, all of the photos littering his room. And then, he was gone.

Ellie walked around her lonely house, running her fingers along the dusty surfaces and sighing. How can something go from bad to good to bad again in three days? Her breath got shallow, and she knew what she had to do.

She ran up to her room and grabbed the wooden box out from under her bed, not even bothering to snap rubber bands on her wrist anymore. There was no comparison. She took out a needle her mom had used to use for sewing and pressed it until it was in her arm about a quarter of an inch. Then, she dragged. It was one of the deepest cuts she'd ever made, and there was a LOT of blood. She grabbed a roll of paper towels from the dresser and spread them out, simply watching with fascination as the blood poured over them. She heard a knock on the front door, but she was too transfixed.

Marco sighed. He knew she was home, so he opened Ellie's front door, bracing himself for the smoke. He saw the light on in her room, so he dragged his suitcase up the stairs, trying not to bang up his precious bass guitar or his laptop. He opened her door and dropped all of his stuff at once.

His Ellie was sitting on the floor, all color had left her face. He looked at where it was all going – into the paper towels. Out of her arm.

"Ellie… no." He ran to her, wrapping clean paper towels around her arm.

"Press." He ordered. He went to where he'd seen the bandages before and grabbed them, as well as the antiseptic out of the wooden box. Once the bleeding had subsided a little, he rubbed some of the antiseptic on it, causing Ellie to whimper. He bit his lip. He was scared. He was scared that one day she'd go too far, too deep. He wrapped her wrist in a few layers of the white bandage and then looked at her.

"Ellie…"

"Marco, I can't… you… and…" She struggled to form a comprehendible sentence.

"Ellie, listen to me. We're moving out of here. My parents, they found a photo of Dylan and me kissing. Pa, he… he kicked me out. And you… you need to get out of here. There's this thing called emancipation. You just need to prove that you can live on your own without parental support, that you're over 16, and that you'd be better off without your parents. Since I'm kicked out we could live together, I could help with rent… and until the judge would decide, you'd still be able to live by yourself, or with me. That's like, so they can make sure that you are in fact able to survive without your mom. And then you can do and live wherever you want… it's like you're an adult. Say yes, because I kind of already filed for emancipation in your name." Ellie just gaped at Marco. Was that the truth? They could really live together, without her mom or anyone else?

"God… Marco… yes." Marco stood up and reached for her hand, a smile on his face.

"Then come on. Start packing stuff. I'll look for apartments. This is going to work, El. Have faith. Trust me."

"I trust you, Marco. I trust you."

**A/N: Holy degrassi. Will I ever stop writing? Probably when school starts, I have a really busy schedule this year. But until then I plan on popping out multiple chapters a day. I don't really know what the emancipation laws in Canada are, but I'm going off of the ones here. And no, I'm not making that up. One of my friends with abusive parents actually just finished the emancipation process. Thank you so much, for all of your reviews! I'm so glad you all think that I'm capturing the characters the way they were meant to be captured. I'm having a lot of fun with this story. (: **


	5. Protected Forever

**So, I was just reading over this story in the hopes of getting back in the groove of things, so to speak, and realized there was a chapter missing! Holy crap! Haha. I am so terribly sorry for the misunderstanding and I sure hope this clears a lot up for everyone. So, terribly sorry, and to make it up to you all I'm working on a new chapter as we speak. **

Two days later, Marco and Ellie had given first and last month's rent on an apartment merely a few minutes from Degrassi. Ellie had left her mom a note, along with an order signed by a judge saying that Ellie could live by herself without her mother's interference. And Marco was driving with Ellie to the apartment, which Ellie hadn't even seen yet. Marco had already made five trips from both of their homes, transporting their things. The apartment had come fully furnished, and it was extremely nice for only a thousand bucks a month rent.

They hadn't yet talked about that night.

As they drove, Ellie turned her body to face Marco's.

"Marco, pull over. Please." He stared at her, a puzzled glance on his face, but he followed the red-head's instructions and pulled over on the side of the icy road. He looked at her expectantly.

"We need to talk about what happened… at Paige's party." Marco sighed and put his forehead on the steering wheel.

"El… I don't know what it was. I honestly don't. I… I wasn't nearly as drunk as I let on." Ellie looked straight ahead, trying to process this new information. Does that mean he consciously kissed her?

"But… you're… Marco, you're _gay._" She said in a pained whisper.

"Ellie… I don't know what it was. I don't know anything. I know that I didn't feel anything besides platonic friendship back when we dated in grade nine… I know last night… seemed right. But it wasn't, El. I mean… I love you. Maybe more than platonically. I am gay, I'm not bisexual. Just… God, I don't KNOW." Tears started streaming from Ellie's face. It felt as though he was playing with her.

"Marco… I… us… we…" It had been hard enough when Ellie hadn't been sure if her feelings towards Marco were platonic or romantic, but now, with him not even knowing the difference?

"El? I have something else to tell you. Dylan… he's going to Switzerland. Something about hockey. I broke up with him officially yesterday."

Oh. Well. That certainly didn't help Ellie figure things out. They stood staring at each other for nearly ten minutes before Marco spoke again.

"Here's the thing. Neither of us know what we feel. But… what if we just… do what feels… right? We don't need to label anything- we don't need to label us, or what we're doing, or my sexuality… or anything. We're just … going to do what feels right." Ellie smiled through her tears.

"What feels right." She nodded. "That sounds good." They both smiled small smiles at each other and hugged, continuing the drive to their new apartment.

What felt right. Living together. It felt right.

A week later. The date was December 23rd. They'd fallen into their new lives without a hitch. There were two bedrooms, but more often than not they both ended up falling asleep on the futon in the living room that was always folded out. The relationship between the two of them was still unexplainable. Sometimes they kissed, sometimes they sat on opposite ends of the couch, sometimes they laid there with Ellie's head just resting on Marco's shoulder.

Life can't be defined by labels.

That night, they were having an ultimate Harry Potter movie-fest- they'd gotten through the first three movies and were ready to start on the fourth, when they ran out of ice cream. A dilemma of epic proportions. They were currently laying on the couch, their legs overlapping each others', arguing playfully about who would walk to the convience store four blocks away to get more.

"Marco. I'm a delicate little girl. I shouldn't be walking alone in the dark."

"El, you're a lot of things, but you're not a delicate little girl." Fragile, broken, breakable, messed up, maybe. But he hadn't seen any new cuts since the night he'd found her.

"Ugh. Fine." Ellie hopped up off of the futon and grabbed her bag with her wallet and phone, and her black peacoat hanging on a coat rack by the front door.

"When some big scary man drags me in to an alley, it's your fault." Marco rolled his eyes as Ellie pecked him on the cheek.

"I'll be right back. Love you."

"Love you too, El."

"The sun will set for yoooou…" Ellie sang offkey to her iPod as she walked back home, the bag from the store swinging freely on her arm as she danced along the sidewalk, trying to avoid the icy patches. She couldn't help it- everything in her life seemed to be going right at the moment.

Then, she felt something cold, metallic, and round touch her neck. At the same moment, her headphones were ripped violently out of her ears. A gruff, raspy voice spoke quietly.

"If you make a sound, I'll kill you, I swear to God." Ellie screamed silently, in her mind. What… she couldn't fathom what was happening. She knew WHAT was happening- she watched way too much Law and Order. But why was it happening to her?

The man forced her into an alley and immediately took off his belt and pulled his pants and boxers down. He pulled her jeans down too, but Ellie was too scared for her life to protest. She did what she did whenever her mother was beating her. She just closed her eyes and waited for it to be over. Tears streamed down her cheeks as the ice cream fallen on the ground began to trickle out of the sides. She just wanted this man out of her. He laid rough, scraggly kisses on the side of her neck as he breathed heavily. He stank of alcohol and cigarettes.

Finally, after what seemed like years, he pulled himself out, zipped up his pants, grabbed her purse, and ran. Ellie just sat there, breathless. After what seemed like hours, but in reality was only 20 minutes, she stood up, fixed her clothes, and walked home, picking up the ice cream as she went.

Marco texted Ellie for the fifth time.

_El, where are you? Gonna start the fourth movie w/o you if you don't hurry up. ;) _

Just as he was hitting 'send' however, she burst in the front door, and for the second time in the past few weeks, she hade makeup streaming down her face in tear tracks. He jumped off of the futon and was at her side in a second.

"Oh my God, Ellie, what the hell happened?" Ellie collapsed on the floor then, Marco still holding her.

"He… he… he had a gun… I… my fault… Marco…" She buried her face into the crook of his arm. He stroked her hair, assuming that she'd simply been robbed.

"El, are you okay? Did he get your purse? It's okay, honey, it's all replaceable, as long as you're alright…" Ellie sniffled, trying to explain to Marco what had happened, completely unable to. She sat there crying into his arm for nearly 45 minutes before she was able to get out the three words.

"He… r-r-raped... me" And with that, another stream of tears and sobs made their way out of her. God, how much more was she supposed to take before she just gave up on life?

"Oh my God, Ellie…" He picked her up and carried her to the futon, for the floor was getting extremely uncomfortable. He set her on his lap so he could wrap both of his arms around her. He just wanted to absorb all of the pain she felt, he'd take it for himself if he could. He couldn't bear seeing his best friend like this, especially since things were going so well.

He thought she'd fall asleep on him like she had the first night after he found out about her cutting, but instead, after 30 more minutes, she kissed him weakly on the cheek and stood up on wobbly legs.

"I… I need to take a shower. I'll be back in 20 minutes. I.. I l-love you M-Marco. T-t-thank you for taking c-care of me." He nodded, smiling morosely at her as she went to her bedroom first to grab pajamas and then the bathroom.

Ellie turned on the water, turned it on so hot it was burning her skin. She wanted to get him off of her. She grabbed a wash cloth and scrubbed her skin, scrubbed it raw everywhere she could reach. She waited until the water got to a bearable temperature and then turned it up again.

She got out then, leaving the water running, and wrapped herself in a red towel, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She had a bright red spot on her neck where she'd scrubbed the skin that man had kissed, scrubbed until she started getting flakes of skin peeling off into the washcloth. She stood there, a towel tied around her naked body, hands on the counter, staring at herself, tears streaming, breathing heavily.

It was time again.

She opened under the sink and grabbed a black case that she'd told Marco she kept feminine products in. Kept him out of it. She unzipped it and chose a plain razor. She sat down in the still-running shower and let the water burn her skin, keeping the towel wrapped around her.

And she cut. She went deeper, pressed harder, and made it a longer cut then ever before. Then, instead of squeezing the blood out, she put her arm under the burning water, barely wincing despite the incredible pain anyone who's gotten a fresh cut wet knows. It burned but it felt … right. She let it bleed out until the entire floor of the shower was red. She looked around herself and laughed humorlessly. How cliché was this scene? Girl, cutting herself, blood, in a shower? Typical. She wasn't truly unique, in anything.

Marco looked at his watch. It usually took Ellie 20 minutes in the shower. She'd been in there 45. He half knew what she was doing, and he frankly couldn't blame her for it. He knocked on the door, and when all he could hear was running water and slight whimpers, opened the door, scared of what he would find.

In his wildest nightmares, Marco had never imagined a sight worse than that which lay before him. It was true, it looked worse because the water mixed with the blood, causing there to appear to be more blood than there was, but she was sitting there, pathetically looking up at him.

"I'm sorry, Marco." Marco looked at his best friend, the girl who'd been through so much. He couldn't bring himself to call an ambulance. He knew he should, but he also knew they'd put her on a 72-hour psych hold, and he knew that it would do her more harm than good in a hospital. Or at least, he wanted to believe that he was better for her than a hospital.

Marco sprang into action, then. He turned the water off and grabbed a handtowel, kneeling next to Ellie in the walk-in shower, pressing it as hard as he could against her wrist and elevating her arm. He couldn't tell if she'd been hurting herself or trying to kill herself. He wasn't sure that he wanted to know. He barely noticed that his jeans were getting soaked through with a mix of blood and water. He just stared into the green eyes of his wounded, broken best friend. She was more than that. She was his life.

"El… don't… I can't loose you. Please." Ellie reached up with her un-cut arm and touched Marco's tears, looking at him, tears filling her own eyes as well.

"Marco… I made you cry." With that, they both simultaneously broke down into full-fledged tears, and Marco, not caring how wet his clothes got, wrapped Ellie, so small and fragile, in his arms.

After the bleeding subsided enough to where he was fairly certain that she wouldn't pass out, he looked into her eyes.

"Can I leave you to get dressed, or do I need to stay? I can turn away and stay if you need me to." Ellie nodded, looking like a small girl scared to be left on her first day of preschool.

"Stay." And he stayed, turning away as she pulled on her pajamas. It was the first night she'd ever worn just short shorts and a tank top, and she revealed new scars on her legs to Marco. He knew they were there, though, and he wasn't even concerned with that at the moment. He took her hand and led her out of the bathroom, grabbing a brush as he went. He led her to his room and had her turn away as he changed into simply a pair of sweatpants, out of his now sopping-wet band shirt and skinny jeans.

After that, he led her back out to the futon and sat her down, neither of them saying a word. He flicked on the fourth Harry Potter and started brushing out her red hair that now reached halfway down her back. She'd stopped wearing it up, ever. She'd also stopped with the little goth getups, opting now to wear merely plain or band shirts and jeans every day. She'd become, in appearances, more normal.

On the inside? She was as mixed up as ever. And Marco knew it. He brushed her hair for 20 minutes until there wasn't a tangle left and inhaled the scent of it- coconuts. As it had been for the past three years. He knew absoulutely everything about her. He knew how much shock she was in right now. He knew how much he wanted to fix it. He knew that he couldn't. So instead, he laid down, with her following his example, laying down the wrong way on the bed and allowing him to create a shelter for him with his arms.

Protected. Marco would protect her. For tonight. Forever.

**.I'm not quite sure how fanfiction will notify you when I mess with the chapters but hopefully it's not too confusing and all of my devoted followers will understand how I arranged it and whatnot… if you're confused, feel free to send me a message. **


	6. Much Like Falling

_When I said good morning, I was lying_

_I was thinking of how I might quit waking up _

_He pointed out how selfish it would be to kill myself _

_And so I keep waking up, but it feels so much like falling_

Ellie's eyelashes felt as though they were glued shut- a side effect of falling asleep with fresh tears streaming from your eyes. She finally was able to open her eyes and was about to get up and start her day- when she remembered what happened last night.

Rape.

It was a word you heard on public service announcements and that made good plot lines on crime shows. It was something you used as a joke- oh, the wind raped my hair this morning. It was… it was…

It was something that had happened to Ellie Nash. It was something completely, one hundred percent real. It was something that had broken another piece of her, another piece of her saneness, her normalcy.

Would it be the thing that finally drove her over the edge?

She rolled over to bury herself deeper into Marco, when she realized he wasn't there. That startled her. She sat up with a start and looked around.

"Marco?" Her voice was dry and hoarse, so she said it again, a bit clearer, a bit louder, with more urgency.

"Marco? Marco! MARCO?" Like a small child, her eyes searched the room. She wanted to get up and look for him, but she didn't know if she could trust her legs to take her anywhere.

"Marco…" she began to whimper, somewhat pathetically. Just then, her messy-haired best friend ran into the room and jumped onto the bed, wrapping Ellie in his arms.

"What, what's the matter, El?" Ellie buried her head in the crook of his arm, inhaling the scent of his cologne, letting herself feel safe again.

"Y-you weren't here." Marco smiled sadly to himself. It was all he could do as he kissed Ellie's forehead, as she turned over and stared into his eyes.

"I was just getting dressed, love. See? I'm here now, shh, everything's okay…" He petted her head and sighed. Not because he was irritated or upset with Ellie, but because he didn't think his sweet, beautiful, petite best friend deserved all of this pain. He didn't understand how so much misfortune could be dumped on one person, one person who hadn't done a damn thing wrong her entire life.

Like so many times in the past three weeks, the two just sat on that couch for a while, holding each other. After a while, with thoughts racing through her mind, Ellie stood up, hands on her hips. Marco looked up at his beautiful, scarred friend, confusion in his eyes. She looked at him and immediately the rough façade she'd been about to put on melted away and she took his hand.

"Marco… this was a shitty thing that happened to me. But there's no need for me to be lying on a couch, crying out for you when you go to get dressed. It's silly. I'm being silly. I'm sorry." She kissed him gently on the lips and went over to make breakfast. She meant what she had said- she was going to stop being so pathetic. It wasn't Ellie-style. She had a different way of dealing with things. She herself knew how unhealthy it was, but she'd be better at hiding it from now on. It couldn't be worse than submitting Marco, poor Marco who just wanted to take care of her, to this constant… need.

She could feel Marco's eyes on her back, knew that he didn't believe that she was truly okay. So, to convince him, as much as herself, she started singing under her breath, the first song that popped into her head, for unbeknownst reasons.

_It kills me not to know this, but I've all but just forgotten_

_What the color of her eyes were are her scars or how she got them_

_As the telling signs of age rain down, a single tear is dropping_

_Through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten _

_There is no reconciliation that will put me in my place _

_And there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds _

_But seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you _

_Like walls that we just can't break through until we disappear _

_So tell me now, if this isn't love, then how do we get out? _

_Because I don't know that's when she said, I don't hate you, boy_

_I just want to save you while there's still something left to save _

_That's when I told her, I love you girl, but I'm not the answer for the questions you still have _

_But the day pressed on like crushing weights _

_For no man does it ever wait _

_Like memories of dying days _

_That deafen us like hurricanes _

_Bathed in flames we held the brand _

_Uncurled the fingers in your hand_

_Pressed into the flesh like sand_

_Now, do you understand? _

_So tell me now, if this isn't love then how do we get out? _

_Because I don't know_

_That's when she said, I don't hate you, boy, I just want to save you while there's something left to save_

_That's when I told her, I love you girl, but I'm not the answer for the questions you still have _

_One thousand miles away, there's nothing left to say _

_But so much left that I don't know_

_We never had a choice, this world is making too much noise _

_It takes me under, it takes me under once again_

_I don't hate you, no I don't hate you_

_So tell me now, if this isn't love then how do we get out?_

_Because I don't know_

_That's when she said I don't hate you boy, I just want to save you while there's something left to save_

_That's when I told her I love you girl, but I'm not the answer for the questions you still have _

_I don't hate you_

_I don't hate you, no. _

Marco just sat there, watching her, listening intently to the words she was singing. He bit his lip, knowing that they were more spot on than even Ellie probably realized.

"That's a nice song, El. What is it?" Ellie spun around, clearly in her own world, and realized that Marco was talking to her. She processed what he said, taking a moment, before she answered, turning back to her intense French-toast making skills.

"Meh. I don't remember. Just stuck in my head." He nodded. So much for conversation. He felt like a parent talking to a grumpy six-year-old, but he wanted to be tender with his friend, knowing that despite her little speech she wasn't better emotionally. The scars in full view all over her entire body were a testament to that.

Both of them continued the morning in relative silence. They were best friends. Nothing should be this awkward for them. But they didn't know what to say to each other. 'Hey, Ellie, fun watching movies with you last night, sorry you were raped'? No. So they opted for silence.

After breakfast, Marco cleaned the kitchen and the living room. Then, a realization hit him. He ran to his room where Ellie was just pulling on a long-sleeved black shirt, no doubt to hide the horrific scar so close to her wrist, now wrapped in a white gauzy bandage courtesy of Dr. Marco Del Rossi, and she turned to look at him.

"Yes? I'm kind of…" She motioned down to her black lacy panties. "Pants-less?" Marco giggled, blushing a little.

"Ellie, put jeans on. It is Christmas Eve and we are going to get a Christmas tree or die trying." Ellie stared at him, disbelief in her eyes. Yes, she had said that she wanted to move on. Of course, she wasn't moving on- but that's what she wanted to let him believe. Still, that was a little… fun, considering what had happened only a mere 14 hours ago.

"Marco… I love you, but I don't think I can. Not today." She shrugged on a pair of faded, torn jeans and walked out. Marco rolled his eyes and tugged on her black-nailed hand.

"Pleeeease, Ellie? I've never, ever had a Christmas without a tree." Ellie looked at him incredulously. Her family hadn't had a tree since she was 11- the last year her father was home for Christmas.

"You're telling me you're a 17-year-old junior in high school, and you are going to pitch a fit like a seven-year-old if we don't go buy a Christmas tree?" Marco considered her statement for a minute and then nodded. Ellie rolled her eyes, but Marco knew she was submitting. He squealed, much like a seven-year-old, in fact, and dragged Ellie out of the house.

As they started driving, the Paramore CD from a few days ago started playing and Ellie sighed.

"Too upbeat." She ejected it and then started going through the CDs on her side of the CD holder in Marco's little car. She settled on My Chemical Romance's CD Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge. Marco rolled his eyes at the way the first song on the CD started- he was trying to play upbeat music on purpose.

"_Long ago, just like the hearse you die to get in again_

_We are so far from you…" _

The lead singer hoarsely whispered the first two lines before the band launched into an intense rock stanza that Ellie thrashed her head to, her red hair a cloud of fiery passion. Marco smiled at her. She seemed as though she might just be okay. He hated the music, though.

"God, El, how do you listen to this crap?" Ellie's face fell and she turned away from Marco, a fake pout on her face. Marco thought it was real, though. Keeping one hand on the wheel, he put a hand on her shoulder.

"What's the matter, love?" Ellie sighed, playing into the fact that Marco believed she was truly upset.

"Don't talk to me, Marco. I don't talk to traitors." She could practically see the confusion on his face, even though she was looking out the passenger window at the icy scenery passing by.

"My Chemical Romance was not, is not, and NEVER will be crap." Marco let out a half-laugh, half-sigh of relief, and Ellie giggled. It was nice to see how worried he was about her. She just had to keep making him believe that there wasn't a need to be.

She was a damn good actress when she needed to be.

**A/N: Kind of a filler chapter, I know, but I needed to set the stage for some of the drama that's going to be happening. I hope I didn't bore you with the song in the middle! I figured since music has such a big impact on what I write- it has indeed changed entire scenes- that I would start giving you all snippets into what I was listening to as I wrote. I'm also going to start including a verse from a song I find suiting for the chapter at the very beginning of each chapter to kind of set the scene. The music in this chapter, in order of appearance, is "Much Like Falling" by Flyleaf, "Savior" by Rise Against, and "Helena" by My Chemical Romance. All three are awesome bands. (: **

**Remember, reviews, favorites, and adds to your story/author alerts make chapters magically appear faster than they normally would! Haha. Really, it warms my heart to log onto my email and see 42 new messages, all from . **

**And thanks for reading this novel of an Author's Note! (: **


	7. Smoke Signals

_**EDIT: Sorry this is a day late, guys! We had storms and stuff last night, I got held at school late… whole lot of issues. Let's just say from now on that both of my stories will be updated sometime each weekend, alright? Enjoy. (: **_

**Here's your Friday update, as promised! I had a few people ask in reviews where/when Ellie got raped- it's because I updated this story so quickly last week, there were two new chapters, I'm guessing most of you only got to read the most recent one. Read the chapter BEFORE Much Like Falling, and then if you're still confused, you're just ignorant, I guess. (: **

_I pull myself to pieces, I don't think I'll make it back _

_Fall onto excuses for mistakes made in the past _

_I try not to believe the little part of me that says I threw everything away_

_I burned all my bridges, pulled apart all the stitches that tie me together now_

Ellie plopped down on the couch with a sigh. It was Christmas Eve, at 9pm, and they had a fully decorated tree. Marco had apparently been able to play on the sympathies of his mom and get some of their old ones. Marco walked over, a mug of hot chocolate in each hand, and gave one to Ellie, smiling at her. She really did seem okay. He was just scared she was going to break again.

What did he know? You couldn't break if you'd never been fixed.

Still, Ellie was happy at the moment. The rape, it was still there, like a bad taste in the back of her mouth, all the time. She didn't know if it was ever going to go away- and it definitely occupied most of her thoughts. She couldn't even explain how much psychological damage she was in- it was hard to pin a finger on it. She just hadn't wanted her first sexual experience to be in a dark alley with a perfect stranger against her will. But who does?

It had been all she'd thought about, while they were choosing a tree, on the drive home, putting the tree up, decorating it, watching a stupid Christmas movie with Marco. But now, she was looking into Marco's brown eyes, and she found herself actually not thinking mainly of what had happened to her, but how sweet Marco had been. Ellie knew in the back of her mind that Marco could've fixed things with his parents if he'd wanted, he could've stayed at home. She knew how much he hated working at the copy shop that he worked at, to make rent.

And she knew that he was doing it all for her.

She couldn't believe what a wonderful friend he was. He was so good to her. Ellie had never really considered the fact before- he'd given up his entire life for her recently. They'd become each other's life. Ellie knew it probably wasn't healthy, to depend on anyone as much as she depended on Marco, but she didn't care. She'd probably have killed herself if Marco hadn't done what he'd done for her- so she didn't care about what any counselor would tell her was healthy or not. Because being with Marco, it felt right.

Ellie looked at Marco, who was staring at her intently, his brown eyes trying to decipher all the thoughts beneath Ellie's. They simultaneously moved closer to one another, and Marco set his mug down on the coffee table, taking the other from a confused redhead.

And then they were kissing.

They'd kissed before, multiple times since that very odd night at the party and awkward talk in the car. But nothing like this. This was… passion. This was intensity. They slowly became more vertical on the couch, Marco's hands running up and down Ellie's sides, resting his hands on her hips, kissing down her neck. Ellie laughed breathlessly and started fidgeting with the buttons on his shirt. He slid his hands up her shirt and got it over her head, their lips hardly breaking contact.

And then, with wonderful, impeccable timing, the phone Ellie had laid on the coffee table next to the mugs started to vibrate. Ellie sighed and Marco, resigning, sat up, burying his head in his hands as Ellie answered.

"Hello?"

"_Eleanor.." _

"Mom?"

"_Pl..please come home." _

"Mom, are you drunk?"

"_Just a little drink to-to celebrate Christmas." _

And with that, Ellie slammed the phone shut and brought her knees up to her chest, fully aware she was sitting there in merely a black sports bra and grey sweatpants- she frankly didn't give a damn. She wasn't even able to process what had just happened with Marco. Neither of them had been drunk. Not even close.

So what WAS that? Ellie looked over at Marco, still sitting there with his head in his lap, his sweaty, shirtless torso glistening in the light of the candles they'd lit, still gleaming festively around the kitchen and living room of their little apartment. She moved over and put one hand on his back, sending an involuntary shiver down his back.

He sighed and looked up her.

"What are we doing, El?" Ellie bit her lip and sat back, the cold faux-leather of the couch making her jerk forward as it touched her still-bare skin.

"Messing with each other's feelings, as normal, right?" Marco sighed and sort of nodded with resignation, taking Ellie into his arms, and letting both of them just lie there, staring at the blank T.V.

An hour later, Ellie had fallen asleep, her red hair draped over his arms. He gently got up, and smiled as she moaned a little and rolled over, hugging herself. He took the blanket draped over the back of the couch and covered her, moving some hair out of her face and kissing her cheek. He went and blew out the candles, letting the small trails of smoke spiral up, disappearing as they touched the ceiling.

**Thoughts? Comments? Hatemail? You loved it? Am I doing okay with Ellie and Marcos' characters? I need feedback- it makes me write better. (: I realize this was a bit of a filler chapter, but next week will be better, I promise- don't give up on me yet! **


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